Monday, December 29, 2003

'Twas a dark and stormy night...

I used the back entrance when I left the office this evening, and as I was walking along the sidewalk in the shelter of the building, I noticed some weird little wet marks on the dry concrete. Now, it has basically been raining buckets all day, just as it did most of last night, so some wet splotches on the sidewalk weren't particularly unusual. But these marks were narrow little streaks that all came from the edge of the walkway and traced parallel straight lines, with the occasional graceful loop or sweeping curve. It took me a moment to notice that nearly every little trail ended in a big gruesome splooch.

Upon closer inspection, the trails that didn't end in messy splats each ended in a sprawled-out earthworm, agonizingly making its way across the concrete towards a ghastly doom under someone's foot. Now, I'm used to seeing earthworms emerging from rain-soaked dirt and pointlessly trekking out across treacherous sidewalks in places where there is grass and dirt and, well, nature. But what surprised me here is that there is no nature in this spot. My office is surrounded by asphalt and concrete, streets, sidewalks, and parking lots. Seriously, the only exposed earth is a tiny strip of decorative rocks with like one distressed bush losing its battle to exist. Yet there were a lot of worms.

Where were they going?

I'm sure the night guard was wondering what the hell I was doing, but I tried to save as many of the not-quite-dead-yet critters as I could hold in my slimy fingers, dropping them in the grate surrounding a tree out on the sidewalk next to the street, assuring that at least they would not be squashed.

Weird. And amazing. A little sad. And pretty gross.

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Co-Workers Gone Wild

I've just discovered perhaps the greatest invention in the history of snackfoods. Ritz Bits S'mores. Little bite-sized bits of manna from heaven: marshmallow and chocolate-like filling stuck between two tiny graham cracker cookies. I have just eaten the whole box in a single sitting. I'm slightly hung-over.

My crapulence results from last night's company holiday party. Now, the company holiday party is an interesting phenomenon. It serves as a sort of release from the daily work environment, a chance to socialize and let loose, get dressed up, drink excessively and so on. Yet the fact remains that these are all people you work with, or worse, work FOR, and you still have to face everyone on Monday, so it's really not such a release at all so much as a unique new workplace torture: an opportunity to make an ass of yourself (or to watch others do so) and spend the weekend regretful and anxious about Monday morning coffee in the breakroom.

But, highlights did include a complete collection of Degas sculptures; large slabs of roastbeef but a complete absence of knives, forcing people to stuff entire chunks of meat into their mouths and hope someone didn't choose that moment to introduce the wife, which they inevitably did; the museum's complete underestimation of my co-workers' ability to consume massive amounts of free booze and the near riots when the red wine, vodka, and beers had all run out; and a DJ who played a little too much Michael Jackson.

Sunday, December 07, 2003

The UN, the Snitch, and the Bathrobe

A great deal of important things have occured in recent weeks. I'm not going to write anything about them.

Instead, let me relate a dream I had last night in my cough-addled semi-sleep. I was on the Yale Old Campus, attending an evening lecture on jewelry making led by a bathrobe-wearing UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan and attended eagerly by White House strategist Karl Rove and my mother. After pairing off, Mr. Annan handed out fabulous gold necklaces to each student to inspect and attempt to mimic. Of course, when class was over, one golden chain had not been returned and Kofi threatened to bring down the might of the Security Council upon us all if someone didn't admit to the theft, while we all shifted uneasily in our seats waiting to be dismissed. Someone finally snitched on their partner, but details are fuzzy since I was starting to wake up.

I have no idea what this dream means. Truly not a clue. I didn't even know my sub-conscious was aware of the existence of Karl Rove. Where does this stuff come from? Taken in hand with my dream of burying FDR's protesting Scottish terrier in the White House rose garden with the help of Hilary Clinton during a flood, I'm beginning to worry about the inner workings of my mind.

 

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